Week Two of Advent : Compassion

I made it to church for the second week in a row! No kids in the car this time. This time I listened, sang and had time for just me to take it all in. The music was great. I admire people who can get up and belt it out without any hesitation. I, on the other hand can feel my throat closing up when I sing in front of anyone. I wonder why that is. I'm going to work on that. In the meantime, I want to talk about compassion and hope. Both were fitting themes for today. The service started out with a family dedication. A woman had adopted a young boy from Uganda and was dedicating their lives to God. The boy's name is Nathaniel, meaning "A gift from God." The woman was all smiles and indeed, he was a gift for her. The boy, maybe nine or ten was just plain funny. He was a little embarrassed being in front of the congregation but he smiled as much as his mom and radiated happiness. I think more than just happiness. I think hope. I don't know that details of their lives but in this moment, they were both so thankful and happy. It was a joyful moment for all who were there. It made me think of this second week of Advent. What can I do this week so give someone else a joyful moment? There are so many women I talk to almost everyday that carry some kind of pain with them. Some cry themselves to sleep each night. I know what sadness and pain are. I know how overwhelming it can be. At times there seems to be no way out and no light can reach you. I have always had people caring and praying for me during the rough times. I believe intercession can work miracles. For those who don't "pray" sending good thoughts is another way of wrapping someone in promise, in hope. I wish I could give "Hope on a Rope." I borrowed that idea from the speaker today. Let's give Hope on a Rope this week to all who need it. Watch for people this week to enter your lives who need this gift. I bet you'll see them. And by the way, I talked to the music director about singing with him! I'll let you know what happens.

The Smell of the Holidays

It's not just about the sights and sounds of the holidays. It's the smell. Today my friend, Kasie and I went to lunch then walked around an area called Fairhaven. Fairhaven is a small urban village area, about four square blocks filled with boutique-type shops, restaurants, offices and condos. There is a grocery store thrown in for good will and a few banks. From Fairhaven you can walk a few trails or walk down to the ferry terminal. You can see the water from most places or walk down to the water. It's a fun area and a great place to people watch. Kasie and I walked through the stores stopping when something caught our eye. We loved the stores that smelled good the minute you walked in. It made me think of the wonderful scents of Christmas. Unique to this season are the holiday scents that I love. They make me stop, inhale and smile. My favorites include the scent of cookies baking, Pumpkin Spice lattes from Starbucks or Woods Coffee, hot cider or hot buttered rum. But my all time favorite, the pine scent of Christmas trees. The house smells wonderful for weeks. We used to go chop down a Christmas tree every year. We would go to each Christmas tree farm until we found the perfect tree. Our trees had to be at least eight feet or over. We would agree on the tree then chop it down and haul it home. Getting it in the door was another story. Usually help had to be enlisted from a neighbor. I would spend two days "lighting" the tree. It involved wrapping each branch with lights. It took time but the end result was worth it. I have to admit though, for the last two years, we have used a fake tree, to my embarrassment. It is so much easier though. You haul it out from the basement, straighten all the branches and plug it in. Done, in about half an hour versus the days it took to just get the lights on the real one. And, I just got a tip from my step-daughter, Jamie. She suggested that I go get the "Mistletoe" candle from Bed, Bath and Beyond. She says it smells just like Christmas trees. I think I'll do just that. I do love the Christmas scents.

Week One of Advent

I decided to go to church today. I don't make it as often as I would like but today marks the first week of Advent. Growing up, Advent always signaled a time to think about your actions leading up to Christmas. It was a time of self-reflection. I will try to go every week. I can always use a kick in the butt. Advent is like a spiritual kick in the soul. I like to think it keeps the focus of Christmas on the reason we celebrate. I loaded the boys and Jesse (the dog) into the car and in the middle of a rainstorm, we ventured out. Once I got to church, I was able to park right in front. The boys refused to get out of the car. Instead of trying to force the issue I said a quick prayer requesting God send an angel to watch over them. I left them to their books and portable DVD player and made it inside in time for the opening music. Even though the sermons are meaningful, I love the singing. I love to sing. The music director decided that one Christmas hymn was appropriate along with the other songs planned. I loved it. I closed my eyes and sang along. It felt very festive. It was also fun to see a lot of people I hadn't seen in sometime. As people I knew came by, the stopped or waved. One elderly woman came over with a hug for me. Each time I had been at church, she was there. She was a fixture of the church. She asked about the boys. I turned around to glance at the car. The car wasn't shaking or moving. No yelling could be heard. Jesse has his head hanging from the window smiling his fabled golden retriever grin. So far, so good. I asked her to also pray the kids would be fine, not fight, not choke each other, not start yelling while I tried to spend some time in church. She laughed and said she would. After the music portion ended I decided it was time to go check on the boys. They were remarkably fine. I said a quick prayer of thanks while I made my way back into church. I decided to go in the front door instead of the side door so I could just slip in without interrupting anyone. The side doors led right into the room where the service was held. The main doors opened into the foyer and from there, into the main room. I could slip back in unnoticed. That was the plan at least. When I got to the foyer the woman who runs the daycare was standing there. She was surprised to see me, it had been so long. She gave me a hug and also asked about the boys. Then she told me her son who was three and half, had been diagnosed with the same disorder that my boys have, Fragile X Syndrome. My heart immediately went out to her. She had a long road ahead of her. So much to learn and to overcome. I had lived it all. I encouraged her when I heard what she had been doing and what was happening with her son. Then she told me she would love to talk more with me. She just happened to have her address book with her so I wrote down my phone number and email address. We are supposed to get together soon. Maybe on this first week of Advent I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Not in the service, but connecting with the one person I needed to connect with. Amen.

Eating and Decorating

The day after Thanksgiving. For me its a day to get back to healthy eating. I would have been successful except for the pecan pie I spotted, right there in plain sight when I opened up the refrigerator. I thought maybe one or two bites of just the filling, which really is the best part, wouldn't hurt. So, now I have scraped off all the filling off of the crust and left the pecans for someone else to eat. I already feel a little guilty. I will make up for it though by exercising. I don't even want to know how long you would have to exercise to burn off pecan pie filling. I have more of the mindset of if you are going to eat it, enjoy it! That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I promise not to whine after the holidays are over that my weight has gone up. I do have to say, I just recently started a healthy eating plan and have lost five pounds. I intend not to completely blow it just because the holidays are upon us. I wonder if eating the pecan pie filling counts as blowing it. No, I have decided it doesn't. It's too early in the season.
The day after Thanksgiving we also decorate for Christmas. We get the tree up and get the outdoor decorations out. This year I wanted to decorate the large cedar tree outside of my son's bedroom window. It is as least fifty feet tall though and I couldn't figure out how to get the lights on it. Climbing it was an option but those branches I'm staring at from the window don't look like they would support anything larger than a midsized bird. I am not a bird or birdlike. Instead I strung lights on a much smaller cedar that is growing next to a stump right off of the back patio. I am very pleased with the little tree which is about seven feet tall. It was much more manageable. If you look hard at the picture, you can see the multi-colored lights on it.
The Holidays are once again upon us. We can make so many different choices this season. What we will eat, what we will feel guilty about or not, who we will celebrate with. How we will feel about those we celebrate with. It's such an interesting time of year. Many of us will feel the effects of the economy this season. I hope you don't let yourself get too stressed out by it. I am just thankful we have a house that keeps us warm and that my sons are healthy. Speaking of my sons, Tery just came and got the leftover pecan pie which is really just the pecans and crust now. He'll eat anything.

The Soul Wrenching Grief Club

While standing in the hallway outside of my sister's room at the hospital, a doctor told me about the private club you get initiated into when you lose someone you love. It's a club no one wants a membership to. Nonetheless, we all will belong to it at some point in our lives. It's the Mourning Club also referred to as the Soul Wrenching Grief Club. Once you're in it you look for a way out. There is none. You are present whenever it convenes. It will call to you anytime of the day or night, in any place. The most common time and place is when you least expect it. You can be out Christmas shopping when you spot something that would be perfect for your loved one. Then you remember the loved one is no longer here. And your heart breaks all over again. Next comes the times when you don't hear it as loudly or as often. Then one day you realize you can take a breath without it hurting. That is the beginning of being an inactive member. You are still a member but the call to tears won't happen as frequently.
Unless you are in this club you cannot understand what it feels like. You try. You see how much pain they are in. You throw them lifelines. They will appreciate your efforts but they know nothing can help them. They are lost. I have been there. I know what it feels like. I also know that it is up to you to make the choice to live. My friend Pete says it so well,
"I once taught rock-climbing. Many moves on the face of a climb are logical, though hard. Others require that you let go, reach and hold onto the next anchor. A commitment move. ...it doesn't mean that the place you just came from wasn't an anchor, wasn't important nor that it no longer matters. If you stayed there, you were bound to fall, eventually, tired of trying to hold on. Climbing on is hard, sometimes seemingly impossible but it's part of the journey."
While the holidays can be full of joy and love they can also be hard to get through for a person who is grieving. If you know someone who is having a hard time, a hug can be a wonderful gesture.

Taking Care of Tery

My husband often says if you were to look up "innocent" in the dictionary you would find a picture of Tery. Our second son was born with the same disability as our older son. Yet, Tery is completely different in his abilities and cognitive skills. He has the intellect of a three year according the the testing done at Children's Hospital in Seattle. And yet it's this quality that also makes him so endearing. His world is filled with love and trust. He laughs at Winnie the Pooh, rocks out to Tina Turner and loves playing ball. Oh, and he loves watching the pretty girls run past him while we walk the lake. He will say, "Go!" then take off running too, for about twelve steps.
For all the joy he brings to everyone who meets him, there is a harsh reality also. Believe me, it is a challenge having two sons with a disability. When they were small it wasn't as difficult because we were able to hire a sitter, just like other families would do for their children. As they got older, finding a person who would be willing to help them in the bathroom as well as cook, clean and interact with them was more difficult. Thankfully, Marianne's House (a day activity center for adults with special needs) opened and they had a place to go to when they were out of school.
Beside having them live at home and taking care of them, the biggest challenge is is for my husband and and I to maintain a healthy marriage. Marriage is hard enough without the boys but with them, the stress level can get dangerously high. More on marriage later.
Once I had the boys with me at on outdoor event. Just so you can picture it, both of my sons are taller than I am and outweigh me. Tery cannot tolerate lots of people. Add small kids into the mix and off he'll go. Either that or he will have a meltdown on the spot. A meltdown usually includes yelling and hand biting, sometimes until he draws blood. He will head to the car to escape the shrill voices of small children. On this day we were down at a waterfront park. There was a BBQ going on for a fundraiser for a local group. It was a struggle keeping a hold on Tery while I talked to a few people I knew. During a quiet moment one of the guys I knew asked me, "What do you have to do for Tery?" My answer was simple, "Everything." Tery requires a lot of supervision. He can feed himself but will over stuff his mouth and choke if not watched. He usually makes it to the bathroom in time but cannot clean himself. Just think, three year old, and you will pretty much understand what he is like.
But when Tery laughs, everyone around him will laugh too or at least smile. It's infectious. When Tery cries those huge alligator tears if his, your heart will break right along with him.

After a Stroke

While you are recovering from a stroke you will feel so many emotions. Each day could be completely different from the previous day. It is definitely a "one step forward, two steps back" process. My stroke occurred back in April on Easter weekend. I lost my entire right side which I have regained very quickly though not completely and far from perfectly. As I sit here typing I have to retype words several times because I invariably hit the incorrect key. When I am tired, the mistakes occur more frequently. I seem to be very tired these past few days. Every time I think I can manage being busy for an entire day, I will feel ill the next two. I used to wake up with headaches each morning but the headaches have slowly dissipated. I still get them, just not as frequently. Today is a headache day.
Emotionally I am feeling a little lost. Normally I feel excitement about a project I am working on or an article I am writing. Today I feel a slight panic from not feeling any excitement for anything. I just want to feel well and be healthy again. It's a long road though and I feel like I don't have the energy to get there. My doctor, whom I see tomorrow, told me at the beginning to not give into the depression that inevitably comes. I feel it trying to take hold. I feel like nothing is quite right with my body. I'm a little frightened that I will never completely recover.
This is just today though and just for this moment. I write this to vent but to also reach out to those who may be feeling the same thing. Even while I sit here in the fog I know the day will clear and I will be able to see far beyond my own limitations. Today may be another day just to take it easy. I think I will call my friend, Meg, who writes also and possibly better, to write something for Women Talk. I don't want to abandon the column, I just don't have any inspiring thing to say at the moment. Meg might though.
My head hurts today. Thank God for spell check.