My Mom, Part 2

My Mom, part 2
I looked over at Mom when I entered the room. She had an oxygen mask on and her face was very pale. Marianne took hold of her ands and said, "Look who happened to be in the area, Mom!" Mom opened her eyes and looked over at me. She said, "Oh! What are you doing here? Are you going to sleep at Marianne's tonight?" I told her I was. She was glad for that but was a little put out that I had driven down. For the next few hours we held her hand while Marianne brushed her hair back. Mom would occasionally open her eyes and smile at us. She would tell us to go home every so often too. We could come back tomorrow to see her. I checked with the nurse to see how she really was and if I should be calling my other siblings. The nurse explained that Mom had been given antibiotics and was resting comfortably but appeared to be on her way out. I didn't really comprehend what she was saying. I called my brother and had the nurse talk to him. She told him that Mom's extremities were cool and that her kidney's had shut down. The nurse was telling us that Mom was dying without coming right out and saying it. I got back on the phone to see if my brother had understood what he had been told. I don't think he did. He said maybe he should wait to fly home until the following day. I told him to come now but that we'd call him again in a few hours. I called my sister in Montana and told her to come. Next, I called my other sister and then my mom's sister. There is a huge amount of coordination when trying to get home to see a loved one who may be dying. Once you make the decision to call people, there are lots of calls to make.
My sister and my brother tried calling the hospital in hopes of talking to Mom. My brother was lucky enough to get through to her. She was tickled to talk to him. My sister did not get through to her, which she regrets to this day. When Aunt Josette called, I handed the phone to Mom telling her who it was. She was very breathless but was glad to talk to her. Nonetheless, she cast a disapproving glance my way asking if I had told Josette. Mom told Josette not to bother driving into Seattle. She told her she had gotten sick after dinner and things had just gone down hill since then. She picked at the blanket while talking. Mom seemed more exasperated then anything else. She told her sister she would talk to her later.
At 7:00am, Marianne decided to go home to get a nap. Mom rubbed her upper abdomen and said "Ouch, ouch." I told a nurse who gave her a shot of morphine. She asked Mom if she wanted a morphine drip. "Not right now," Mom said. She asked to have her phone near her. I sat next to her bed watching her every movement. Once, she opened her eyes. Looking around the room her eyes landed on me. I raised my eyebrows in a silent question. She answered with a gentle smile.
The nurse's shift changed. The new nurse came in to get Mom's blood pressure. She couldn't find it. They brought in a device that looked like a microphone. I heard a few beats of Mom's heart, then nothing, then another beat. The nurse left the room without saying anything to Mom. Mom looked a little perturbed but then tossed her hand as if dismissing her. I stepped outside of the room to listen to the conversation the nurse was having with the doctor on the phone. The nurse seemed concerned about what they were supposed to be doing for Mom. She told the doctor there was no blood pressure. She glanced up to see me standing right there. "Oh, she is right here," she told the doctor. She held out the phone to me. I glanced back at Mom and was surprised to see her staring intently at me. I motion at her that I would just be a minute. I went to talk to the doctor. The doctor said he was surprised at the turn of events. He had just seen Mom and everything had appeared to be normal. He suggested she be moved to the I.C.U. I agreed and went back into my mom's room. The resident doctor came in to talk to her about moving her to the I.C.U. and what that would mean. Mom said she wanted a few minutes to think about it. He looked over at me then at the nurse. The nurse motioned for me to follow her out. She told me she thought moving her was the right decision. We both agreed if there was something we could do, we should try. I went back into Mom's room and noticed she had removed the oxygen mask. I told her, "Now Mom, the nurse said you were supposed to keep this on." I noticed how soft her hair was as I slipped the mask back in place. She didn't answer me. I took her hand and noticed how it had gone from cool to icy. I looked over at her other and and saw the finger tips were turning purple. I glanced back up at her face and was alarmed to see her pallor had changed to white. I fought with myself wondering if I should stay or get the doctor. I quickly made up my mind and ran out. The doctor told me it was normal for the fingertips to turn color. I told him about the change in color in her face. Both he and the nurse said, "Uh oh." We all ran back into her room.
The nurse went to one side of her bed, the doctor to the other. I took her hand and held it while they called to her. "Mrs. deSouza? Mrs. deSouza?" They asked. She didn't reply. The nurse said, "She's not responding." The doctor got out his stethoscope and listened for a heartbeat. I didn't know if I should try calling out to her or not. I battled within myself. I knew if she were to go she would be in a wonderful place but I didn't know if I could let her go. I said, "Momma?" in a quiet voice. I knew that mom would answer me. All mom's answer their children if they can. I wanted her to. I took both her hands in mine feeling protective. I looked up at the doctor with hope in my face. He said, "I'm sorry." I think I asked if she was gone. He said she was. While still holding her hands, I collapsed onto her legs. A wail of despair sounded from the deepest reaches of my heart. It reverberated through my soul. Then I felt her squeeze my hand! I looked up at her face expecting to see her eyes open and her back with us. But I didn't. She had given me her last embrace. Through tears, I asked her if she was going to be with Didi now. We had lost Didi two years prior. With a shaky voice, I told her I loved her. I glanced up at the nurse and saw tears in her eyes too. I looked back at my mom and watched with horror as the oxygen mask filled with a dark fluid. I shrank back from the bed as the doctor told me he was sorry I had to see that. The room got very busy then. Someone sat me down in a chair and hugged me while I cried. Someone else suggested I leave while they cleaned things up. I got up to call my Aunt Josette and then Marianne. I had to repeat it to Marianne. She couldn't believe what had just happened. I couldn't leave my mom alone. I went back and sat. I just sat with her. While sitting, I looked around the room to see if I could see her soul. I looked up. I had heard or read people who have had a near death experience she themselves hover over their bodies. "Was she still close by?" I didn't see her spirit anywhere which is most likely a good thing. I would have keeled over on the spot. But then, something else did happen. The sun came out and filtered into the room. The whole room was bathed in sunshine for just a moment. "Mom." I said out loud. I looked back to the bed. The person laying there no longer held the spark of life that was my mom. She was gone.